5 Steps to Reclaim Your Power

1.Take accountability for your decisions.

This isn’t about blaming yourself. It’s about EMPOWERING yourself. Your past decisions resulted in the life you’re living now- which means you can use the decisions you make now to create and shape a a more ideal future if where you are presently doesn't line up with where you want to be.


2. Recognize that not all decisions will be easy.

That whole "you always have a choice" cliche is only half accurate. Yes, you may always have a choice but that doesn't mean you will always have a GOOD choice available to you.  Sometimes the “right” decision will mean having to choose between two not so great options.  When that happens, instead of focusing on how neither one is a “good” choice, try focusing on the fact that you're still making the best possible choice based on the information you have to you at that time. 

3. Stop beating yourself up when things don’t work out as planned.

It’s easy to blame ourselves and let our inner critic unleash its wrath on us when things don’t work out the way we planned. But beating yourself up over a less than desirable outcome isn’t going to change it- so why not use that energy in a more productive manner! Ask yourself powerful questions such as what have you learned from the situation and how you can use it to avoid being in similar situations in the future.

4. Change your inner dialogue.

One of my favorite phrases that I constantly repeat to myself is “as within, so without”. If our inner world is chaotic and self defeating then our outer world will be too. Pay close attention to your thoughts and how they’re making you feel inside. If the thoughts you're having are not making you feel good, change them. You can do that by taking the thought that's running through you mind and asking yourself - is what I'm thinking really true or does it just feel true? Do I have any facts or evidence available to me that prove that it's not true.  Once you've gone through this process, take that thought and flip it. For example, if the thought you're having is that nobody is ever there for you, ask yourself is that really true and can I think of times when someone actually was there for me?  Once you recognize that your thought isn't the absolute truth, restate it in a way that feels more true such as "I do have people who support me when I need them.  They may not be here right this moment but they exist."  (I alway suggest avoiding a reframe that is the complete opposite of your current thought since your brain is likely still in a bit of resistance mode and will be more willing to accept a modified thought as opposed to an entirely conflicting one.)  Just remember, you are always one thought away from a better day.

5. Stop working so hard to please others.

The only one who has to look you in the eye each morning and each night and decide if you’re satisfied is you. So put yourself first and start doing the things that make YOU feel alive. By now we’ve all heard the phase you have to “put your own oxygen mask on first”..but hearing it, understanding it and actually doing it are all very different things. Without oxygen we die - and each time you put your own needs behind those of others, you’re basically giving them your oxygen mask and killing off a piece of yourself. Take the mask back. And in the process, you’ll take your power back too.

Ready to live your best life?

Book a coaching session | Join my email list for random insights | Drop by my Instagram @afsheenshah and say Hi!

Be open to everything, and attached to nothing.

Last week I stumbled across an email from an old friend that she had sent me almost a full decade ago.  Even back then, she had been able to see the potential in me that I am STILL working on uncovering and fully living up to.  As I read over her words I realized just how far I have come since that email was sent.  Back then, I was still so focused on achievement and ridiculously attached to outcomes.  If something didn’t go the way I had hoped, I would get angry, bitter and even a little resentful. I would compare myself to others who appeared to seamlessly achieve everything they set out to do (appear being the key word there) and then see my own efforts as being “wasted” because I wasn’t able to create the same results.  And I would let the outcome (or more accurately, the lack thereof!) define my self worth.  Eventually the frustration and self-loathing would become so overwhelming that I would give up just so I wouldn’t have to feel disappointed in myself the next time things didn’t go my way. I was literally stealing my OWN joy.  I had become so focused on a specific outcome that I was missing all the other opportunities and possibilities that were open to me along the way.  I was missing out on so many chances for other ways to create my own happy ending.

 I can’t pinpoint the exact moment my shift occurred, and it wasn’t an overnight process by any means,  but the shift is real.  Instead of outcomes, I now focus on the experience and the lessons I’ve learned from each experience…both the good and the bad.  I no longer compare myself to others. The only comparison I make is between the person I am now vs. the person I want to become in the future so I can make sure I’m always taking steps towards that future vision of myself.  People tell me I'm lucky to always be so positive and resilient even after setbacks and disappointments.  But it’s not just luck that makes me that way - in fact, the temper tantrum throwing, outcome attached woman I was 20 years ago didn’t even believe she had any luck other than bad luck.  The truth is I made a choice to be positive and build my resilience AND then did the work that was needed to become that way and stay that way.  If you’re finding yourself overly attached to outcomes and feeling disappointed or defeated when you don’t achieve a specific outcome, here’s 3 strategies you can use to let go of the attachment, move past the disappointment and open yourself up to new opportunities:

  1.    Ask yourself what it is about the specific outcome that was so enticing - what need would it have filled and how would you have felt if you had achieved the outcome?

  2. Can you fill that need or create that filling in other ways that are already available to you? 

  3. Are there other options that you can also look into?

The more you practice this way of thinking the easier it gets to stop thinking in terms of specific outcomes and start thinking in terms of multiple potential outcomes. When we are attached to creating a specific outcome we tend to fixate on one thing and exclude all other options - even ones that may be just as good or better!  By releasing attachments we open ourselves up to new opportunities and even more possibilities. A common myth I hear is that being fixated and driven towards a specific outcome is the best way to create success.  I disagree.  I think being open to everything and attached to nothing is the true way to success because you remain open to more possibilities and more options for getting to where you want to be.  In essence, releasing attachments puts you back in the driver seat and lets you take control of the journey instead of being a mere passenger on it.

Ready to live your best life?

Book a coaching session | Join my email list for random insights | Drop by my Instagram @afsheenshah and say Hi!

Dress Your MIND for Success and Why it May be Even More Important Than The Clothes You Wear

We’ve all heard the phrase that it’s important to “dress for success”, especially in the workplace. The phrase has practically become a modern day chant for many old school thinkers who still believe that clothes make the man.  I can still remember my first boss telling me how things work in the business world and that if I really wanted to stand out and get a jump on the track to partnership, I needed to start shopping at more expensive stores that some of the senior partners were frequenting - even if my salary was only a fraction of what they were making. I had been there less than a month, owned two “name brand” suits I had bought at TJ Maxx ( which clearly didn’t make the cut for the high end stores) and at the time was barely making enough to pay my rent and the monthly payments that were required on my student loans which were the equivalent of a mortgage. I needed to prime the pump he would say! And so I did...my mental pump that is.

Don’t get me wrong.  I did go shopping, and I even got some nice suits. Because to an extent, what you wear - especially in a corporate setting - can make a difference. But I didn’t go to any extravagant stores and I definitely didn’t spend thousands on them.  I spent about $100 on each.  And then I wore them like they were worth thousands.  Correction - I wore them like I was worth thousands.  And not that there’s anything wrong with spending thousands on suits - especially if you have the money and you want to - but there’s no reason you HAVE to.  Yes it’s important to look the part and dress the part, but none of that will matter if you don’t FEEL the part.  And in my case, I was able to feel the part in my $100 suit. And that’s what ultimately made the difference in my being able to also act the part.  Because at the end of the day, if we don’t feel as if we are worthy of anything on the inside, it doesn’t really matter how expensive or glamorous of a look we create on the outside. Exterior shine is just that - exterior.  Until we can learn to shine from the inside, nobody will believe the glow is real, least of all our own mind.  And that's why every success story starts with a well dressed mind.

The truth is no matter how hard we work on fixing our perceived exterior flaws and limitations, if we neglect to upgrade and replace the internal thoughts that created them in the first place, and then accepted them as being a representation of who we actually are as a person as opposed to a mere aspect of our thoughts, we will never truly rid ourselves of them.  That’s why in some cases, even after the unwanted physical scars or extra pounds are no longer visible on our bodies they continue to define our actions and understanding of who we are as a person because they remain falsely etched in our brain and in our heart as part of our identity.  That’s why, along that same vein, if we don’t do the inner work necessary to create lasting success, any outer work we do to promote the appearance of success will only lead to a temporary feeling and realization of success which will soon be replaced by the old insecurities and feelings of unworthiness causing us to start the process all over again and look for yet another way to create success - usually in the form of doing and being more than we were before.  So how do you create lasting success? By creating transformation from the inside out.  By digging deep and throwing out existing beliefs and patterns that have been holding you back and replacing them with new ones that propel you forward and more importantly... inspire you to keep going because you know you can and not because you feel like you have to. In essence, you do it by dressing your mind for success so it feels capable of producing the result long before the result even becomes an actual reality.

The more I set and accomplish goals, the more I’ve learned that the inability to achieve a goal isn’t necessarily tied to the difficulty of the goal (although that may be what we tell ourselves to have an excuse for not having achieved the goal.) Sometimes, an underlying lack of belief in ourself and an inability to see - and feel - the goal as being within our reach is the real culprit behind frustrated goals.  That’s why mindset is the key to accomplishing any goal whether big or small.  Yes some goals may simply be beyond our reach given our current level of ability or knowledge - I probably couldn’t just go run a marathon tomorrow without having trained for it.  Not without hurting myself anyway!  But with the right training and mindset (especially around mile 20), even a marathon comes within reach for most people.  The same is true for most other goals in life.  If we start with a mindset of confidence and anticipated success we are much more likely to achieve the goal than if we view the goal as difficult with a high probability of failure.  Our mind believes what we tell it.  If we tell it we will fail, it will find a way to take us there.  If we tell it we will succeed - guess what..it will take us there.  A key factor to believing is to really feel as if we are already there an visualize ourselves accomplishing the goal we set for ourself.  In the marathon example for instance, imagine yourself crossing that finish line, feel the wind against your face and hear the sound of the spectators cheering and clapping as you finish.  And most of all,  allow yourself to feel the pure joy and excitement of having succeeded in what you set out to do - as if it was happening NOW.  The closer you can bring yourself to the feeling of having achieved something before it happens, the easier it becomes to actually make it happen. Countless entrepreneurs, athletes, executives and speakers use this strategy daily and have been for years.

And while this may all seem like it’s a little hokey or possibly even far removed from what the average person can do, I promise you a success mindset and the visualization techniques I’m describing aren’t reserved for geniuses and millionaires.  I’ve used them and they work.  They are available to all of us who are willing to go deeper, and do the work that we need to improve on ourselves and our minds.  The key is to make sure we are working on our mindset consistently and refusing to allow negativity or failure as an option.   There may be times along that way that you have to rethink strategy, change your plans and maybe even learn some lessons, but that doesn’t mean you failed or that the process isn’t working. It simply means you’re learning and growing.   And that’s one of the most beautiful side effects of all that comes from cultivating  a success mindset. So remember, no matter what your goal, whether it’s to lose a few pounds, land that promotion, start that business  or just get through a day without cursing out the driver in front of you - the key is to empower your mind with the tools it needs to get you to the finish line of that goal.  Your mind truly can’t differentiate between a feeling that’s real and happening in the outer world, and one that’s being created by your  mind and only happening in your inner world.  So let yourself dream and go ahead and create the reality you want in your mind, and then watch those dreams takeover and actually BECOME your life. 

Ready to live your best life?

Book a coaching session | Join my email list for random insights | Drop by my Instagram @afsheenshah and say Hi!

7 Steps to Serenity in a Chaotic World

Serenity Now! 

Let’s be honest.  Most of us were looking for serenity long before this pandemic started.  With increasingly hectic days that are often consumed by long work hours (even for those working remotely!), not enough sleep and schedules that are filled to the brim with activities that focus on prioritizing other people’s needs and agendas over our own (especially all of you amazing parents out there!), it’s no surprise that anxiety and depression has become commonplace.  And just in case anyone didn’t already have enough on their plate, we’re now facing an unprecedented  pandemic coupled with social distancing and quarantine requirements that are causing many to feel increased feelings of isolation and anxiety.  And let’s not forget the latest wave of messaging that seems to be spreading through social media like wildfire that now is the time to “be” and “do” more than we were before and that if we fail to come out of this quarantine better in some way, then we have somehow also failed at life.  As a personal development junkie and  someone who truly believes in learning and growing on a daily basis, I fully believe in always striving to be your own best version.  But I also think the way we message is important- especially now when so many people are finding it difficult to maintain a sense of calm and craving even a small  semblance of the life they once knew.  And the fact is that by adding even more pressure to that equation, we are only creating more chaos..not the calm that so many people are desperately seeking right now.  That’s why I think it’s important that we balance the extra stress with some serenity.  And here are 7 easy tips you can implement on a daily or weekly basis to get more serenity- and sanity -in your life:

  1. Mindfulness.  Yes, I know, everyone is pushing the mindfulness and meditation movement right now, but  it’s for GOOD reason.   Most experts agree that including some daily quiet time in your routine gives your mind a much needed break from thinking and doing..and not the mindless tv sort of break.  I’m talking about a real break, one that removes the external stimuli and lets your mind just be still for a change.  I know what you’re thinking - and sleep doesn’t count as being mindful.  The fact is that even when we sleep, our subconscious mind is still going, processing the events of the day before, consolidating short term into long term memory and working hard to repair and heal your body from daily stressors and activities.  A mindfulness break gives you a deeper level of rest and lets you focus on just being present in the moment.  Sure thoughts will pop in your head while you’re practicing mindfulness and that’s completely normal when they do.  But because you’re actually focusing on just being present, you’re much more likely to either push those thoughts away or at least make an effort to not let them spiral.  So give it a try - even if you can only manage 5 or 10 minutes to start. One of the best things about the mindfulness movement - there’s no requirement to go big or go home.

  2. Sleep.  Most adults simply do not get enough sleep and adequate sleep is critical for maintaining a sense of calm, and not to mention a healthy immune system which is more important than ever right now.  Sleep is also the easiest and yet the hardest of these tips to implement for most of us.  Easiest because..well let’s be real...unless you’re actually suffering from insomnia there’s not much you have to do to sleep other than lie down.  Hardest because even though we all know about the importance of sleep, it’s typically the first thing that goes out the window when we’re stressed or super busy.  But it should actually be the first thing we prioritize during challenging or stressful times.  Watching more TV or scrolling through social media for hours on end isn’t going to make the stress disappear, but if you replace those activities with some extra sleep your ability to handle that stress will be drastically improved.  Ideally you should be aiming for 7-9 hours each night depending on your body’s needs.  You’ll wake up less irritable and cranky and more ready to face the day. The best way to find out what your needs are is to sleep two or three nights without an alarm and let your body wake up naturally - and then see how long you slept without an artificial prompt to wake you up.  I recommend trying this for 2-3 nights in a row as opposed to just one since your body may need a couple of nights to re-adjust to its natural circadian rhythm.   

  3. Movement.  Just as important as getting some rest is getting some daily movement.   Even small bursts of movement spread out throughout the day can help to reduce stress and anxiety which, in turn, can increase your overall sense of calm and serenity.  And you don’t have to be a hard core athlete or zenned out yogi to get these benefits.  Even a daily walk or chasing your kids in the backyard counts as movement and will give your body and mind the calming effects they need to cultivate a greater sense of inner peace. 

  4. Breathwork.   Most of us spend our days hunched over and breathing from our chest instead of our entire abdominal cavity.  This results in shallow, inefficient breathing and also leads to increased tension in our neck and shoulders.  By learning to breathe from our stomachs we can train ourselves to use our full lung capacity and feel more relaxed in the process.  A quick way to see if you're breathing from your chest or your belly is to place one hand on the chest and one on your belly and then breathe as you normally would.  If the only thing moving is your chest - you’re not breathing fully.  Focus on inhaling all the way through your lungs and into your stomach, imagine the air flowing all the way down into your belly if you have to.  Once your belly starts to move in and out, you know you’re doing it right.  You’ll probably also notice your chest feels less constricted and your heart rate isn’t as rapid.  If this seems too much to try on your own, try a breathing app to help.  Oak is one of my favorites and it’s free- so what do you have to lose aside from a poor breathing pattern?  

  5. Daily connections.  So let’s just clarify something here - just because we need to maintain a certain physical distance from others doesn’t mean we have to be socially distanced from them.  We can still be social creatures even during a lockdown and with all the technology that’s available right at our fingertips, there’s really no reason to not be social.  Try to reach out to at least one person each day whether by phone, text or through a zoom happy hour.  Everyone needs a break and someone to connect with it, and the person you reach out to is likely no exception.  Humans are social creatures and our relationships with others are what make life truly joyful.  And in times of stress,  those relationships become more important than ever.  So don’t neglect yours.  Cultivate them and nurture them daily.  Your mind and your heart will thank you.

  6. Nature.  One of the best ways to instantly create a sense of calm and inner peace is to walk or just sit in nature.  Even a walk around the block or sitting in your backyard can help if you’re deliberate with it.  Let yourself feel the warmth of the sun on your skin, listen carefully to the sounds of birds chirping all around you, feel the breeze as it hits your skin and go ahead and take that break to stop and smell those flowers!  And if you’re feeling really ambitious, you can combine your foray into nature with a little bit of mindfulness. So for you overachievers who were already wondering how to make these tips more efficient and less time consuming, the payoff of combining mindfulness with nature is massive.  So give it a try!  

  7. Prayer.  This one is probably controversial for some and some of you may not even believe in prayer.  But prayer doesn’t have to be a formal or ritualistic process. It doesn’t even have to be associated with any particular religion.  It can be as simple as having an inner dialogue with some form of higher power - whatever that means for you.  It can even mean an inner dialogue with yourself if that helps you process your thoughts and emotions.  There’s nothing that prevents you from being your own higher power!   I realize some of you still may not be sold on this one, especially now and that's ok - there’s 6 more strategies up above that you can try instead.  ;) But here’s what I can say from experience- when all else fails I have always found myself turning to prayer.  And it has yet to let me down - and not because my prayers were always answered but because the act of praying gave me a sense of release as if the problem was no longer mine.  And with that release, I stopped worrying about whatever it was that I had been praying about.  There’s something incredibly liberating in letting things go, and prayer is one of the best ways I  have yet to come across for fully relinquishing control.  

You may be wondering why I didn’t include gratitude on this list.  It’s not because it doesn’t help.  It’s actually because i've noticed that gratitude can’t be forced, especially when we are feeling our lowest, not true gratitude anyway...the kind you feel through your entire body.  Sure you can say what you’re grateful for, maybe even list a few things in your  journal.  But if you’re not genuinely feeling that gratitude on the inside, which is not unsurprising during low times, it becomes hard to appreciate even for the little things and pretending to be grateful anyway can leave you feeling even worse..and possibly like a fraud.   On the other hand, if we instead use that energy to focus on more tangible things, like the ones listed above, true gratitude seems to find its way back to us on its own.  

And here’s one final recommendation for those of  you are super A type and feel the need to go the extra mile even in something when cultivating some additional serenity in your life - get back in touch with your childhood passions whatever they may have been Whether it’s painting, singing, dancing or just reading a good book, there’s something to be said for reconnecting with the things we loved as kids.  Whether it’s the memories we conjure in the process or that same feeling of joy and giddiness that seems to find its way back into our hearts once we go back to the activities that brought us so many smiles as kids...the fact is that bringing ourselves back to those good feelings is an instant mood booster.  So break out those old canvases, dance steps or books and start smiling - even if it’s just at the silliness of it all.  Because at the end of the day, the only thing we truly have control over is how we feel at any given moment.  So why not feel the best you can in each moment of today, regardless of what the current circumstances may be. 

Ready to live your best life?

Book a coaching session | Join my email list for random insights | Drop by my Instagram @afsheenshah and say Hi!