Last week I stumbled across an email from an old friend that she had sent me almost a full decade ago. Even back then, she had been able to see the potential in me that I am STILL working on uncovering and fully living up to. As I read over her words I realized just how far I have come since that email was sent. Back then, I was still so focused on achievement and ridiculously attached to outcomes. If something didn’t go the way I had hoped, I would get angry, bitter and even a little resentful. I would compare myself to others who appeared to seamlessly achieve everything they set out to do (appear being the key word there) and then see my own efforts as being “wasted” because I wasn’t able to create the same results. And I would let the outcome (or more accurately, the lack thereof!) define my self worth. Eventually the frustration and self-loathing would become so overwhelming that I would give up just so I wouldn’t have to feel disappointed in myself the next time things didn’t go my way. I was literally stealing my OWN joy. I had become so focused on a specific outcome that I was missing all the other opportunities and possibilities that were open to me along the way. I was missing out on so many chances for other ways to create my own happy ending.
I can’t pinpoint the exact moment my shift occurred, and it wasn’t an overnight process by any means, but the shift is real. Instead of outcomes, I now focus on the experience and the lessons I’ve learned from each experience…both the good and the bad. I no longer compare myself to others. The only comparison I make is between the person I am now vs. the person I want to become in the future so I can make sure I’m always taking steps towards that future vision of myself. People tell me I'm lucky to always be so positive and resilient even after setbacks and disappointments. But it’s not just luck that makes me that way - in fact, the temper tantrum throwing, outcome attached woman I was 20 years ago didn’t even believe she had any luck other than bad luck. The truth is I made a choice to be positive and build my resilience AND then did the work that was needed to become that way and stay that way. If you’re finding yourself overly attached to outcomes and feeling disappointed or defeated when you don’t achieve a specific outcome, here’s 3 strategies you can use to let go of the attachment, move past the disappointment and open yourself up to new opportunities:
Ask yourself what it is about the specific outcome that was so enticing - what need would it have filled and how would you have felt if you had achieved the outcome?
Can you fill that need or create that filling in other ways that are already available to you?
Are there other options that you can also look into?
The more you practice this way of thinking the easier it gets to stop thinking in terms of specific outcomes and start thinking in terms of multiple potential outcomes. When we are attached to creating a specific outcome we tend to fixate on one thing and exclude all other options - even ones that may be just as good or better! By releasing attachments we open ourselves up to new opportunities and even more possibilities. A common myth I hear is that being fixated and driven towards a specific outcome is the best way to create success. I disagree. I think being open to everything and attached to nothing is the true way to success because you remain open to more possibilities and more options for getting to where you want to be. In essence, releasing attachments puts you back in the driver seat and lets you take control of the journey instead of being a mere passenger on it.
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