I was recently on a call led by someone I respect highly when she told one of the attendees that one of the best ways to let go of people-pleasing tendencies was to remember how “selfish” it is to be a people pleaser.
Some of the other attendees immediately agreed with her and chimed in that not only was it selfish but that it was also an extreme form of manipulation that people used to get the response they want from the person they were pleasing.
WOAH.
I immediately felt myself get triggered as my nervous system went on high alert. The call was supposed to be a safe space to exchange ideas but the way I was feeling inside felt anything but safe.
As a (still) recovering people pleaser, I found myself feeling offended when someone who had not lived my past decided that the traits I took on to survive that past were somehow designed to manipulate others into behaving a certain way so my own needs could be met. Vivid images of the local imam repeatedly slapping me each time my head scarf started to slide slightly off my head or if I dared mispronounce a word while reading the scripture came flooding back in.
And sure - maybe on some level I was meeting a need (primarily the need to not get hit) through the people pleasing behaviors and perfectionism that ultimately flowed from that moment…and many other moments just like it.
But what I was really doing was surviving.
And so are SO many of the women who have spent a big part of their life stuck in people pleasing behavior.
The characterization of people pleasers as selfish and manipulative made me feel as if I was being attacked and that the years I spent in survival mode were somehow being minimized and diminished.
And then it occurred to me that they can’t minimize or diminish something they don’t even know. At least not knowingly. And in order for them to minimize or diminish my experience of people-pleasing, they would have to be aware that different experiences can exist - or are at least possible.
Perhaps their experience of people-pleasing was a reflection of how it had shown up in their own life as a result of their environment and possibly the expectations they were required to live up to. While mine was a reflection of what I had witnessed in my life, based on my environment and the expectations I was expected to meet while growing up..particularly the cultural expectations.
Maybe it never even crossed their minds that not everyone fell into a pattern of people pleasing for the same reason or for that matter, with the same motivation.
While that realization almost immediately calmed my nervous system back down and brought my heart back into an open and compassionate place, I still did not agree with the statements that had been made. And I most definitely did not agree that they should be shared as general “truths”.
Because for many women - people pleasing is anything but selfish or a form of “manipulation”.
It's actually a form of survival.
Which often starts in childhood and becomes a way of life by the time they reach adulthood. Many times it’s borne out of fear or trauma that pervaded their life and created a false narrative that the only way they could stay SAFE- both physically and emotionally- was by pleasing. And doing. And repeatedly sacrificing.
Over time they start believing that behaving in any other way would mean they were no longer worthy, valued, loved…lovable, or god forbid, “good”.
Once these beliefs take root and constantly shape our actions based on who we should be and how we “need” to act, it can be difficult to break free because now it’s just who we are. It becomes our default identity.
And everything we do is a manifestation of that identity.
I don’t see any of that as selfish or manipulative. And I think we walk a slippery slope when we automatically label and characterize any type of behavior, including people pleasing, into a “one size fits all” model.
And as coaches and thought leaders I also think we serve best when we stop looking at behaviors as a label and instead help people break free of both the labels and the behaviors.
So for all the people pleasers out there, including the recovering ones, I see you. You are not a label. You are not selfish. You are not manipulative.
You are someone who was doing the best she could to be the “good girl” everyone expected you to be..and keep yourself feeling safe, loved and whole at a time when all of those things felt incredibly out of reach.
And there’s no shame in that.
I see you, I know you…and once upon a time, I was you. If I can make the changes I needed to, trust me that so can you.
As always,
Afsheen
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